Losing Tanner

Author's Note: Tanner Juenger was a student of my mother’s and my brother’s classmate. He had been struggling with heart problems his whole life. At the age of 12 he received a heart transplant. Unfortunately, his body rejected the transplant, and Tanner passed away. This poem is written in his mother’s point of view, as a type of response to Lord of Flies, as an attempt to describe a terribly sad thing, in a beautiful way.

Watching, waiting, praying,
To see my son’s beautiful eyes flutter open,
Even if just for a moment.
I need a sign,
A sign that he still remains fighting,
Still hanging in there,
Still alive.

Wanting, hoping, wishing,
His body accepts his new heart,
He can go on and live like a normal little boy,
Enjoying the small, simple things,
Going to his favorite hockey games again,
Playing with his brothers,
Just living.

Even through all of his struggles,
Never once did I picture us here,
In the white, sterile, pure hospital room,
For so long.

The room, filled with beautiful, blooming flowers,
Gifts from my family as signs of reassurance,
Makes me realize the love we receive,
From perfect strangers,
All wanting Tanner to recover,
Just as much as we do.
Feelings of warmth overwhelm my heart,
Knowing that the community is pulling for my little boy,
Just as much as we are.
They’ve heard his story,
They pray for my little boy,
Just as much as we do.

Weeks, eternally long, pass,
My little boy, so strong, courageous,
Continues to battle,
Never showing fear nor weakness,
Yet we all know he may not survive.

The infections are spreading,
Flowing down through his blood,
Like waves in a river,
Never stopping, never letting up.
Day by day they overpower him,
Until he can no longer take it.

With the peaceful sounds,
Of the birds chirping outside the hospital window,
My family all kisses my son goodbye,
Reassuring him that he will be okay,
Telling him how much we love him,
Telling him how great of an inspiration he is to us,
Telling him how we will never forget him,
Telling him to save spots for us in heaven.

We try to show our little boy strength,
But slowly, sobs escape from all of us.
This day we have lost our love, our son, our little boy.
Words cannot explain the infinite sorrow we feel,
But yet we are overjoyed and inspired by him,
His passionate soul, his loving heart, his warm hugs.
We will miss every part of Tanner, every day.

I know up in heaven,
He spreads his beautiful wings,
As the sweetest angel,
Our guardian angel,
Watching over us, protecting us, loving us,
Just as we continue to remember him,
Pray for him, and love him.