Ongoing Cycle of the Door

Author's Note: Throughout the beginning of the novel, Jekyll and Hyde, the word door is constantly repeated, and serves as a major motif for the novel; when one steps through the door, he is one man, but when he returns, he is a completely new individual. This piece was inspired by the quotes from the novel, "There is no other door, and nobody goes in or out of that one but, once in a great while, the gentleman of my adventure," and the possible idea that Jekyll changes into Hyde as he comes and goes from his house.

Walking through my grand foyer,
Stilettos hitting the wooden floors,
With the perfect noise.
The sparkling chandelier shimmers above
And sunlight streams in through the glass wall of windows.

On the inside,
The world is perfect
Just me, my wealth, my happiness
Confidence at an all time high,
I feel invincible.

And then I see it.

The Door.

My insides crumble within
I want to turn back and sprint,
To what I love,
And away from what I hate.

Change.

But I can’t.
It’s inevitable.
Change is inevitable.

My feet slide to the door,
My hand grabs for the handle,
Holding my breath,
With excruciating focus,
I attempt to move away from the door,
But I can’t.
It’s inevitable.

With one turn,
The portal opens,
With gusts of wind,
The door blows open
My clothes cling to my body,
Almost in hope.

One after the other,
My feet cross over the line,
Exiting the door.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Walking through the dusty streets,
Loafers scuffing across the gravel roads,
With a dull, repeated clatter
Gray clouds fill the thick air,
Making it hard to breathe.

On the outside,
The world is dreadful
Just me, my filthy self, my broken appearance
Depression at an all time low,
I feel defeated

And then I see it.

The Door.

My insides tingle in excitement
I want to drop everything and sprint,
To what I love
And away from what I hate.

Brokenness, filthiness.

My feet tripping over each other
Dash towards the door,
My hand grasps the handle in hope,
Heavily breathing,
With great anticipation,
I turn the handle,
Waiting to see the better life on the inside.
It is inevitable.

With one turn,
The portal opens.
With a cloud of warmth,
The rich aroma of rich candles
Fill my nostrils,
Assuring me I am back,
Hopefully this time to stay.

One after the other,
My feet cross over the line,
Entering the Door.

Lonely

Author's Note: The purpose of this piece was to write a short story, displaying a character who utilizes a defense mechanism, and later showing how that defense mechanism either helps or harms the character.

Looking back out the car window; images of never ending trees, open road, and rolling hills all blur together, making me sick to my stomach. My eyes wet from crying, tears continuously rolling down my cheeks, my stomach heaving while gasping for air as I sob in the back seat, curled up in fetal position. Why do I have to leave everything behind; my school, my best friends, my family? Why? Why do I have to leave the ones I love, again? Do they not understand?

My head pounds, I feel as if my brain is getting shaken all around my head, the pain never letting up. Even with such a migraine, I somehow am able to think. With a pained expression, I desperately try to remember my friends’ faces, clinging onto them in hope I will never lose them; remembering our tight good bye hugs, the last embraces for a very long time. I hunt for the thoughts in the back of my head, search the uncountable memories, the good, and see only the pain in my future. Thoughts of my old friends, my old memories, all the good and perfect thoughts are contaminated with the new, bad thoughts—thoughts of the new school, the new possibilities, the change.

Taking in deep breaths, I attempt the impossible—to remain calm. With one last thought through my brain, my anger escapes, leaving my body in a violent, loud, and distracting matter. Sobs interrupt my words, but somehow, through displacement, I manage release my inner emotion, “HOW?! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? DON’T YOU LOVE ME…DON’T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY? ALL YOU ARE DOING IS MAKING ME LEAVE MY FRIENDS, FOR YOUR SAKE, YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME. YOU HATE ME….and, and, AND I HATE YOU. YOU SAY YOU CARE BUT I KNOW YOU REALLY DON’T, NO, NOT AT ALL. NO PARENTS WHO LOVE THEIR CHILD WOULD TAKE THEM FROM EVERYTHING THEY KNOW AND LOVE AND MAKE THEM START ALL OVER, ALL ALONE. I WON’T KNOW ANYONE THERE; I’LL BE ALL ALONE, WITH NO ONE TO GO TO. HOW, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I HATE YOU!!!

Turning around from the passenger seat to attempt to calm me, my mother says, “Honey, we do love you. If we didn’t love you, we wouldn’t make you move. We are doing the best for our family. I’m sorry if you’re angry at your dad and me, but we really do care. I’m sorry if you hate us, or you think that we are bad parents, but honey we love you, we really do, don’t ever forget that. You won’t be alone, you’ll have your father and I, we’ll help you, we promise.

Seeing the tears escape her eyes as she painfully says this, I start to believe her. She convinced me. Of course they love me, they are my parents, they’ve always loved me, and they always will. I won’t be alone, I’ll have the best gift ever given, my parents—the ones I really love. Even if troubles and tests come my way at my new school and home, I’ll have my parents. Even without my old friends, I’ll have my parents. Even without the things I know, I’ll have help, I’ll have my parents. I love them so much, and they must know how sorry I am and how much I really do love and appreciate them.

My body calming, the tears letting up, I sit up and start my apology, “Mom….Dad.”

Both turning around, my father letting his gaze of the road turn to me, they say, “Yes, dear?”

Their eyes still locked on mine, with glimmers of hope, I was about to continue. With all intentions of apologizing, I open my mouth. But instead of calm words leaving my body, instead of a burden being lifted off my heavy chest, I go completely stiff. My hands turn to fists, my arms flail, and a terrible, blood curdling scream escapes my body. Confused and scared, my parents, still not paying attention to the road, look at me and tilt their heads in question. Seeing my eye contact with the road ahead, they quickly turn and release screams similar to mine. Because they were turned, their eyes locked on mine, they weren’t aware of the truck leaving its lane and swerving into ours, coming straight on. As cliché as it sounds, my life flashes before me, all the pleasant and happy memories of my family hugging, loving each other coming back to me. With vibrant pitches, screams fill the car, no one knows what to do, or what would come next. Bracing the arm rests, we all hold our breaths, not saying a word, praying for the best—these two seconds, feeling like two days.

With a loud and forceful impact, the truck plows into our sedan, completely smashing the car. Catapulted into my father’s chair in front of me, I see my parents. Smushed under the tons of the truck and metal from our car; I see my parent’s disheveled bodies, bleeding everywhere; I see my parents lying helpless in front of me. They appeared like bodies of lifeless dolls torturing me to an excruciating degree. My head throbs terribly; my body is covered with bruises; my heart, which is rapidly pulsing, loses great speed, realizing the tragedy in front of me. With the worst terror, sadness, and grief I have ever experienced, I sob harder than I thought was possible. My body heaves violently; I can barely catch a breath to let out these last words, “Mom…Dad? PLEASE be okay, PLEASE fight through this. I’m sorry, SO sorry for everything. I LOVE you so so much, more than anything in the world. I, I never meant to hurt you, I never wanted this to happen. I, I love you mom and dad, please be okay. Can you hear me?” I realize that that is impossible, they are gone and it is all my fault. If I wouldn’t have been yelling at them, acting so selfish, they would have never turned around, and they could have dodged the oncoming bullet, the truck. I was never alone; I had my parents, who loved me with everything they had. But now, now I am alone. Who will I turn to? My parents are gone and it’s all my fault. My sobs worsen and I finally say, “I’m so sorry mommy and daddy, I love you so much, I, I’m sorry. I love you, I always have, and, and I always will. I love you.”

Forgive, cherish, and love with all you have…before it’s too late.

Losing Tanner

Author's Note: Tanner Juenger was a student of my mother’s and my brother’s classmate. He had been struggling with heart problems his whole life. At the age of 12 he received a heart transplant. Unfortunately, his body rejected the transplant, and Tanner passed away. This poem is written in his mother’s point of view, as a type of response to Lord of Flies, as an attempt to describe a terribly sad thing, in a beautiful way.

Watching, waiting, praying,
To see my son’s beautiful eyes flutter open,
Even if just for a moment.
I need a sign,
A sign that he still remains fighting,
Still hanging in there,
Still alive.

Wanting, hoping, wishing,
His body accepts his new heart,
He can go on and live like a normal little boy,
Enjoying the small, simple things,
Going to his favorite hockey games again,
Playing with his brothers,
Just living.

Even through all of his struggles,
Never once did I picture us here,
In the white, sterile, pure hospital room,
For so long.

The room, filled with beautiful, blooming flowers,
Gifts from my family as signs of reassurance,
Makes me realize the love we receive,
From perfect strangers,
All wanting Tanner to recover,
Just as much as we do.
Feelings of warmth overwhelm my heart,
Knowing that the community is pulling for my little boy,
Just as much as we are.
They’ve heard his story,
They pray for my little boy,
Just as much as we do.

Weeks, eternally long, pass,
My little boy, so strong, courageous,
Continues to battle,
Never showing fear nor weakness,
Yet we all know he may not survive.

The infections are spreading,
Flowing down through his blood,
Like waves in a river,
Never stopping, never letting up.
Day by day they overpower him,
Until he can no longer take it.

With the peaceful sounds,
Of the birds chirping outside the hospital window,
My family all kisses my son goodbye,
Reassuring him that he will be okay,
Telling him how much we love him,
Telling him how great of an inspiration he is to us,
Telling him how we will never forget him,
Telling him to save spots for us in heaven.

We try to show our little boy strength,
But slowly, sobs escape from all of us.
This day we have lost our love, our son, our little boy.
Words cannot explain the infinite sorrow we feel,
But yet we are overjoyed and inspired by him,
His passionate soul, his loving heart, his warm hugs.
We will miss every part of Tanner, every day.

I know up in heaven,
He spreads his beautiful wings,
As the sweetest angel,
Our guardian angel,
Watching over us, protecting us, loving us,
Just as we continue to remember him,
Pray for him, and love him.